10 Downing Street
Dear Mr Johnson,
We hope this letter finds you well. We are writing today from our fair Republic with great concern for one of our own, residing within your establishment.
Although we understand there may be some very pressing issues at hand right now, talk of a ‘Global Pandemic’ that has yet to reach our shores, we felt this matter needed addressing with some urgency.
Larry, or as we know him the Minister of Foreign Affairs, has sent us clear correspondence that he is in need of our help. We’re aware that he has been in somewhat of a ‘lockdown’ and unable to carry out his mousing duties of late, meaning a pound may have been gained here and there. But, we feel this is no excuse to be subject to such public humiliation and body shaming from the National Press, and would like to make the call to repatriate Larry back to his homeland, Republic of Cats.
It is here we welcome all feline bodies with no judgement, and can work together with Larry on a tailored feeding plan (sans Dreamies) to get him back in tip top mouser condition, without fear or judgement from The Man. His citizenship will forever remain open, should he choose to return, so he can reap the benefits of portion-controlled meals and tasty recipes, rather than his usual leftovers from the larder at Number 10.
His long standing stint within government is unrivalled, but we think it is high time he returned to the Republic, where he can work on his health goals without such public intrusion.
Until an official decision has been made, we can make arrangements to ship our exports to the famous door, and would recommend a mixed feeding plan of 1 wet can and 2 or 3 spoons of kibble per day for Larry. This plan will take into consideration his main health goal of shedding a few lockdown pounds, but we can also work on getting those teeth and gums camera ready for all the press coverage that he will no doubt continue to receive.
We know you’ve upped your exercise regime with your bike rides recently Mr Johnson, and we would recommend the same for Larry in the meantime. Please make time for your furry housemate with plenty of hide and seek around Downing Street for brain stimulation, and at least one hour of scheduled laser chasing each day, maybe post PM Q’s so you can both let off some steam.
We eagerly await your response, this is a matter of urgency.